Tuesday, April 19, 2016

(28) beta

> Time: Pass
You rush home from school, urging your brother to drive as fast as he legally can.

There, in all it’s glory, is the SBURB BETA nestled perfectly in your MAILBOX!

> Steve: Go upstairs and turn on your laptop!

You decide to space out on the computer for a while before doing anything important.
Man, whoever this Andrew Hussie is sure needs a nap.

But anyway.

> Steve: Install the Sburb beta

You decide it's time for less meta, and more beta.

You insert the CD and install the SBURB BETA.

> Computer: Bullshit

“SUBURB version 0.0.1 


SBURB client is running.

Waiting for server to establish connection…”

What the fuck is this.

> Steve: Pester PF.

-- straightSqwawker [SS]began pestering plantFiesta [PF] at 14:45 --

SS: Dude what the fuck the game isn’t loading is yours working?
PF: ????
SS: The beta
PF: O my bad
PF: ONE sec

> Steve: Open Chrys’ present!

You forgot all about that! Now that you have a little time you can get down to that.

You retrieve the razor from the bathroom because fuck scissors.

> Steve: Use the razor on the birthday present.

You open the package. There is something suspicious inside.

Something suspiciously thoughtful.

> ???

It’s some CLEAR NAIL POLISH! Which you will… confiscate… for personal reasons. Or something.

There’s also a box of those GUMMY KRABBY PATTY treats. Oh shit! Aren’t those banned in your country?


> Steve: Check back on Sburb beta.

It looks like your computer is trying to catch your attention.

> Steve: Look at monitor.

“CLIENT has established connection with host.

Press [ENTER] when ready.


> Steve: Check Pesterchum window.

PF: fuckn NAILED it
PF: i think
SS: Wait i just got a fucking spectacular present from Chrys
PF: the nail polish?
SS: What
SS: How do you know about that
PF: i helped her get u a present
PF: the crabby patties were my idea
PF: did you get my present yet though???
SS: Nah im kind of like
SS: Preoccupied with sburb
PF: oh right
PF: yeah so ur the client and im the host user i think, im running the server
PF: so we can start!

>Steve: Press [ENTER].

It’s loading. A circle of endless loops and mathematical perfection.


But it’s. Now it’s showing your room? What is this tomfoolery.

PF: try clicking stuff u’ll get the handle of it
PF: UM. you know the duffle bag by your front door?
SS: Um… yes…?
SS: ??? What
SS: How does that even
SS: That’s my brother’s gym bag!!
PF: sorry i’m JUST TRYING to get a hand on the controls

Does this game somehow interact with your actual house?

PF tries moving around some more things and suddenly your DRESSER is blocking the DOOR.

Chrys calls up, wondering what that was, but you assure her it’s fine as PF stealthily moving the dresser back to where it was.

> Steve: Glance out window.

It looks like your BROTHERS are leaving again for some adventure. You're relieved to have the house to yourself again, if only for a few minutes.

The house to yourself and Chrys, that is, wherever she is. Living room? Kind of sounded like the living room.

You just hope your brothers doesn't notice the DUFFLE BAG on the roof.

>PF: Select the duffle bag and put it back in the house.

Um, no!! The controls are hard, back off.

PF: hey maybe i can change some other stuff around your house
SS: Don’t you dare
PF: too late hasnt your mom always wanted an expanded kitchen
SS: Holy fuck

> PF: Open Phernalia Registry.

Whatever that is, it appears to let you place some interesting items in the house.

...Right after you expand Steven’s room.

>PF: Ignore Steven’s hissy fit and deploy the Totem Lathe.

Whomp there it is.

>Steve: Examine the Totem Lathe.

You don't know what the heck this thing does, but it looks neat!

Looks kind of like a giant microscope.

>PF: Open Grist Cache

PF: ssssso it looks like expanding your fuckn house cost us some grist
SS: Some what?
PF: its like the currency or whatever
PF: the lathe was a freebie tho
SS: Can i try it?
PF: nah not as a client you gotta install the host disk
PF: you did get that too right
SS: Um
SS: One sec

In your quest to find the client beta you threw the rest of the MAIL on the KITCHEN COUNTER. Looks like you’ll have to get it. Eventually, you know.

PF: while u get that im gonna deploy the cruxtruder
SS: The what??
PF: dont worry about it my dude

Oh you are definitely going to be worrying about it!!

> PF: Deploy Cruxtruder.

It appears as if the living room is rather crowded now.

SS: Oh my god what else are you doing i think chrys is getting suspicious
SS: !!!

> PF: Deploy Alchemiter.

Whoops there goes all the nice viable roof space.

> Steve: Go out to the balcony.

SS: What the shit is this
PF: HAHAHAHA no idea

> Steve: Examine Alchemiter in a cautious manner.

You have no idea what to do with this thing. You can't find any controls for it. It’s basically just a giant platform.

Having exhausted all other possibilities, you just decide to stand on it.

This isn't very cautious of you, actually.

> Steve: Look through telescope.

It is a clear, sunny day. Nothing out of the ordinary to report. At least, not beyond the walls of your own home.

From within, there’s a loud crash.

SS: !!!??? WHAT

> PF: Fix the fucking toilet you just ripped out from the floor you heathen.

Who are you kidding this is a mess you’ve flown too high

> Steve: Take this totally calm moment to allocate your fake sword to STRIFE SPECIBUS.

You check the back of your STRIFE SPECIBUS for the KIND ABSTRATUS you have in mind for it.

> Steve: Select “SWORD”.


The FAKE SWORD has been moved from your CAPTCHALOGUE DECK to your STRIFE DECK.

>Steve: Report Progress to PF.

SS: I’m ready to fight something just let me know when

It looks like another one of your chums is pestering you on your PDA.

>Steve: Answer chum.

-- questionableMechanic [QM] began pestering straightSqwawker [SS] at 15:18 --
QM: hey!
QM: did you open my package yet?
SS: Whoops no not yet
QM: aw
QM: how come
SS: Sburb!
QM: o fuck
QM: yeah sorry forgot about that
SS: Yeah you robotics club nerd
QM: hey!
QM: don’t judge!
SS: Haha sorry
QM: let me know when you open it though!
SS: Ok! Will do. Let me know when you get home and start playing through!
QM: haha fair trade
-- questionableMechanic [QM] ceased pestering straightSqwawker [SS] at 15:24 --

>Steve: Might as well check out that Cruxtruder.

Oh holy shit this thing is taking up your entire LIVING ROOM! Chrys is also there.

You try to explain to her the best you can that this is the BETA for a game. She seems extremely skeptical, but says she has a big english essay she needs to work on, and leaves you to your devices.

You know her though. She’ll be back.

> Steve: Examine wheel on the Cruxtruder.

When you turn the wheel, something seems to be pushing up from underneath the lid.

But you aren't strong enough to make the lid come off!

>PF: Try and fix the toilet.

On the toilet’s journey back to the bathroom, the internet connection is interrupted. The toilet falls crashing to the floor in the middle of the hallway.

>Steve: Scold PF.

SS: You can see me right
SS: Im sitting on a toilet in the middle of my fucking hallway
SS: Chrys can only take so much i mean come on
PF: theres a storm on our side of town
SS: Fuck

> Steve: Hit Cruxtruder with history textbook in order to get the lid off.

PF: wait fuck my bro that wont work i got this

> PF: Pick up chair and hit the Cruxtruder with it.

What seems like a glowing circle of green light emerges from the weird tube of the machine. Below the tube, a countdown begins.

What the fuck.

SS: What the fuck?
PF: uh yeah idk
PF: one sec
PF: all the fuckn walkthroughs im reading are super short
SS: It is a new game
PF: tru but like
PF: eh whatever
PF: now that the lids off u gotta “extrude some ‘Cruxite’”

> Steve: Turn wheel again.

You extrude ONE (1) CRUXITE DOWEL.

Looks like a fuckn glass tube.

> Steve: Get cruxite.

PF: also take the card in the machine the one with the holes punched in it
SS: Roger roger
SS: Oh also hey the glowing orb of truth keeps following me around
SS: It’s trying to talk or something?
PF: uh thats a kernelsprite
PF: it needs 2 be prototyped twice
PF: which maaaybe means throwing shit at it?

> PF: Drop small glass bird FIGURINE into Kernelsprite.

Man your mom loved that GLASS BIRD FIGURINE you got her for her birthday when she was younger. Best present ever.

But now the Kernelsprite has now been prototyped with the GLASS BIRD FIGURINE. Sorry, mom.

> Steve: ???

SS: What the fuck ok this thing is still screaming at me in computer language
PF: wait until it’s prototyped twice it’ll get better
PF: i think
SS: Great
SS: I’m going to check out the platform thingy
PF: the alchemiter?
SS: Yeah that

> Steve: Use Pre-punched card with the alchemiter.

There is no slot for a card anywhere to be found on the ALCHEMITER!

The KERNELSPRITE followed you upstairs.

> PF: Explore Atheneum

While investigating this weird menue involving CRUXITE DOWELS, a PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECT was created!

> Steve: Put Cruxite on weird pedestal on the Alchemiter

You set the ALCHEMITER to cast THREE (3) PERFECTLY GENERIC OBJECTS for some reason, expending a total of 6 units of BUILD GRIST.

These things look completely useless. What a waste!
It was pretty cool when they flashed into being, though.

Out of the corner of your eye, you notice there's something in the sky.

> Steve: Use telescope to inspect.

Whatever it is, the bird-like KERNELSPRITE seems particularly agitated about it.

I mean really what could it be OH MY GOD IT’S A METEOR HEADING FOR YOU HOUSE.

You're no astronomer, but its trajectory looks suspiciously head-on with your current perspective!

This is a troubling development.


Also yeah these mothermothers are like. Banned in america arent they? Or at least my mom wont let me buy them b/c theyve made a few kids in the past get deathly ill idk whatever.

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